The 2010's are a terrible time to be  me, because lush wavy hair is in, and lush and wavy are two words that  have never described my hair. My dead-straight hair is silky to touch,  which is a plus, but on the quite literal downside, down is the only way  it goes. If my hair had a favorite place, it would be the ground. It's  always trying to get there.
It doesn't hold a  curl—half the time it won't even take a curl to begin with, though  heaven knows, I've tried. Over 25 years, I've tried. And what I've  learned from this lifetime of failures is the great irony of my  existence: though my hair won't hold a curl no matter what you do to it,  it will cling to ponytail dents, windblown snarls, and other unwanted  textures with bulldog tenacity.
Below are 13  curling methods that I have used on my hair. Perhaps if, like me, you  have fine, straight, unstylable hair, you will save yourself hours of  effort and finally learn what works. Or perhaps [spoiler alert!], you'll  just be inspired to break down in tears.
Foam  rollers
When I was a kid, my mom would sometimes wrap my hair in foam  rollers and leave it to dry overnight. Somehow (miraculously), that  worked. I would actually be able to sleep, and I would wake up in the  morning with a bouncy curl. Of course, maybe it was just that as a  child, I had lower standards of curl quality, or maybe it was just the  80's (where any kind of volume, no matter how scruffy, was a good  thing), because when I got old enough to curl my hair myself, the only  results I got were a huge mess. Also, I wrapped the hair too tightly and  permanently deformed the foam, which rendered those curlers useless. 
Curling  Iron
In college and the years immediately following, I had a  1-inch-barrel curling iron. I made a few failed attempts at curling my  hair with it, but the most I could ever manage was to flip the ends.  Eventually I gave up and Freecycled the iron. A few years later, I bought  another one at the thrift store. This time I went for a half-inch  barrel, thinking that tighter curls would fall out into some semblance  of a wave. And for the most part, it works. With that, I was able to  achieve a few strategically placed ringlets for the 
Ocean Halloween  costume, but curling all your hair with a tiny 1/2-inch iron is a  serious time commitment, so not practical for everyday life. I bought  another 1-inch barrel iron, thinking maybe the previous one just was  tired out, but I got them same (nonexistent) results.
 
Rag  curls
After technology let me down, I decided to go retro. Rag curls,  a mainstay of fashion in the war era, are supposed to be the girl on a  budget's dream! Cut a few strips of fabric, wrap your hair around them,  tie them up, go to sleep and wake up looking like little orphan Annie.  Sadly, this dream never became a reality. My attempts at rag curls were  fraught with failure—some strands came out excessively kinky, others  barely curled at all, some of the rags fell out during the night, some  hair never made it into a rag at all and ended up straight or tangled. 
Mesh  rollers
Next, I invested in a set of vintage wire mesh rollers from  the thrift store. They were supposed to be held in place with plastic  pins, which I thought would be less complicated than the closure method  of the foam rollers. I tried sleeping in those once or twice, but they  were way too bulky, hurt my head, and always fell out in the middle of  the night. 
Flatiron
I heard once that if you run a  flatiron through your hair while twisting it, you can achieve nice  waves. I watched numerous video tutorials on the process, but after  several tries of my own, all I could accomplish was, again, just curling  the ends. It did produce an elegant-looking fringe for my 
Bridezilla costume, though, I'll give it that.
 
Headband
Onward to the 
Headband Method! For  this one, you wear an elastic headband, then wrap locks of damp hair  around it repeatedly until all the hair is wrapped up. Wear it until the  hair dries, and then, theoretically, have a head of perfectly formed  curls in the morning! This actually worked all right for me when my hair  was shorter, but the longer it got, the less reliable the headband  method became. I would get hair so tangled up I had to cut it off the  headband, and it would still be wet in the morning.
 
Magic Leverag
The most effective way of curling my hair I ever encountered was the 
Magic Leverag kit, which consists of a bunch of spiral-shaped tubes that you actually put your hair 
inside.  It actually worked on my hair, producing neat and tidy ringlets. Sadly,  the curlers are not long enough for my hair these days, so I can't use  them. Apparently Magic Leverag is a cheap knockoff of Curlformers, which  do come in longer sizes, so I might actually try those someday...
 
Buns
Sometimes, I put my hair up in a bun or double buns overnight, hoping  that in the morning, I'll have a 
nice soft wave. Usually I don't. I have  hair that's still wet and dries completely straight. If I leave the  buns in for a whole day and night, they dry enough to hold the curl. But  by then, much of my hair has worked its way out and straightened  itself, plus other bits of hair are crimped into odd bends and  angles by whatever tools I've used to hold the bun in place. 
 
Braids
 A single braid can sometimes produce waves that I'm proud of (smaller  braids produce an unsightly zigzag or crimped effect). But the end where  the braid has been tied is always stick-straight but dented by the  rubber band, and looks ridiculous. So then I need to take a curling iron  to the end, which kind of defeats the purpose of a quick-and-easy  no-heat hairstyle.
Strawberry rollers
Recently, I ran across a short blurb in a magazine about cute-looking  strawberry foam rollers. The shape of the foam is supposed to hold the  hair without any pins or other hardware, so they sounded ideal to sleep  in. So I found a cheap version on Amazon. Unfortunately, like many other  products, they did not allow my hair to dry completely, some of them  fell out, they were hard to put in without getting tangles, and  ultimately weren't worth the bother.
 
Hot  rollers
These were my last-ditch effort. They seemed less labor-intensive  than using a curling iron, and since they can be kept in until they  cool, my curls would be less likely to fall flat immediately after  removing the heat. Since they only need to stay in a short time, they  should be less prone to mess and falling out than overnight curling  methods. However, they proved to be no more effective and only slightly less time-consuming than the curling iron. The first time I tried them, my hair came down into a gorgeous wave that almost, for a second, gave me hope. And then I dared to try and brush them. Instant curl collapse.
Over the past 3 days, I've tried different ways of using the hot rollers, hoping for a better result. Smaller strands of hair so that they heat faster, smaller rollers so the curl is tighter. Last time I even put in mousse before curling and sprayed the dickens out of my hair before taking the rollers out, and got an even more feeble curl than the first time!
Giving Up
At this point, I think I've tried every hair curling method there is, and the only thing left for me to do is wallow in my defeat. Maybe wallow in nostalgia over the turn of the millennium, when pin-straight hair was all the rage. But, somehow, I just can't stop! I'm probably going to put my hair up in some kind of curling tool tonight, and hope against hope for a miracle. Or maybe for some kind and compassionate reader to tell me what I'm doing wrong! Any takers? Anyone?