Wednesday, October 3, 2012

How to renounce the fashion gods

Well, I tried. I gave it a fair shake, that sack-like, shapeless, sleeveless, muscle-tee kind of look. I don't know if there's a word for it, but here are some pictures of what I'm talking about.

I judged the style harshly from the moment I saw it, but I didn't write it off until I'd tried it myself, and found it made me look like an emo carrot with a serious fashion disability.

Then I wrote it off. Big baggy tops with unstructured shoulders will never look good on me. So I'm taking that trend and shoving it. Hear me, gods of fashion! You may impose stupid styles on the rest of the world, but I will never bow down to you! I'm taking the big ol' pillowcase you've tried to pass off as a shirt, and I'm making it look good on me!* Here's how.

1. A few months after my first dubious experience with the black peacock feather shirt, I was willing to give it another shot. But trying it on the mirror, I soon realized it was just as unflattering as it had ever been. It needed some shape. I bunched up all the fabric in the back so it was more form-fitting, and wow! Instant improvement! I held it all in place with a binder clip and took it off for step 2.

2. My plans were to basically keep it just like that, all bunched up, and just secure the fabric in place with something a little better-looking than a binder clip. But I realized having a bunch of bunched fabric in the back of your shirt looks pretty amateur. So to make it look like it was designed that way, I decided to decorate it! Fortunately, I had some black ribbon I'd salvaged from a pair of lace-up sandals that bit the dust this spring. I tied a bit of one into a bow, which I would later use to cover up the mess of my alterations.

3. Next, I poked a safety pin through the shirt from the underside, right next to the binder clip. I was going to use the safety pin to keep all the folds in place.

4. I poked the safety pin through the back of the bow.

5. I ran the safety pin over all the gathers of fabric, and pushed it back down through the shirt at the other side, again, right next to the binder clip.

6. I closed the safety pin on the underside, prayed (but not to the fashion gods--I've renounced them!) that it would all hold together, and released the binder clip. It held together! Cha-ching! Five minute fix!

Here's how the shirt looks now in the back. (But slightly less lopsided after a few careful adjustments)

I wore this newly improved top pulled down low over my black tiered skirt (also heavily altered). The color match was excellent, giving the appearance of a drop-waisted dress, which is conveniently in style.

There may have been almost no teal in the top, but there was some, so I took the opportunity to wear my new teal shoes (Amazon warehouse deals, 9 dollars!). I even painted my nails and wore makeup to match! Then I rounded out the look with some black beaded stretch bracelets.

Heck yeah! That's how you turn a hideous top into an ensemble to be proud of!

*To be fair to the poor fashion gods, this top was originally a size large, when I usually wear a medium or even a small. So it was at a disadvantage to begin with.

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